i just think it's so depressing that those, "i'll miss you"s were merely statements thrown out at some given time in their given circumstances. last september seems so close to me, but so far away to you.
i still go to all the sites (listed to your right, in alphabetical order) i've put on my site. from aaron's site all the way down to chris's, i check each one to see how they're doing, what has been on their minds, just to keep in touch. indirectly, it seems, but i'm still aware of what you guys are up to. and if i've ever left comments on your site, you've probably noticed the repetitious, "i miss you"s before i sign my name. why? because i mean it. i mean it every time i say it, every time i type it, every time you hear it, every time you read it. my feelings the last day i saw all of you has not yet changed. and fortunately, i know it won't because the consequences that will follow after i forget any of you will be far more detrimental to my being than my mourning to be with you guys. so here it is as it stands now and forevermore: i miss you.
but you know, people do change and i can't fathom what things will be like in several years. i've come to find that most people's "i miss you"s are simply words and words only. it is a phrase which describes the feeling of farewell, the reluctance to let go, and the reluctance to depart. but again, it remains a phase in one's life, and once the person leaves, the phase ends and no longer are the departed missed. same with the other end. at first, the lone traveler finds it hard to let go of his or her past, because that is where everything is-- friendships, familiarities, memories. but sooner or later, he or she will adapt to his or her new environment and no longer do his or her past matter. i, however, have traveled all my life. my father's job called for our family to move back and forth between two countries-- the us and japan-- and these notices come at any given time. so when i had finally adapted to an area, it was time for me to adapt to another one. i didn't have a choice. and though i was still young and was not as knowledgeable of this matter as i am now, i still understood how life goes on. and so it did. as time went by, i stopped writing letters to my friends in kentucky because i had made new friends in japan. when i moved to california, i initially despised the area. but i inevitably adapted, and i stopped keeping in touch with my friends in japan. and it was this cycle over and over again. it was about my sophomore year in high school i realized that i've not been building upon my past, but rather sweeping it clean and creating a new pile that will end up being cleaned up anyway. this is not to say that i do not remember anything about my past. oh, no-- i remember the wonderful memories and the tragic occurences. i remember the memories. but it is as if i see them in black and white. i've sketched every detail there possibly could be, but there still lacks life, the color to my sketch. from then on, i've tried harder to keep in touch with all my friends who have in any way touched my life. that includes the japanese guy from osaka i met in an airport shuttle bus (i e-mailed you a while back), my high school english teacher whom i had for three consecutive years, my japanese friends in japan, my high school band director (whom i deeply appreciate and respect), anyone i've met through chs and the golden warrior regiment, and of course, my best and closest friends. and now i see a tint of color on my sketch of a life. and that's good enough for a start.
but when i hear things like, "i don't care," or "okay," or "so?", it's as if i never existed, ever in your life. don't get me wrong; i respect an individual's right to indifference, but to know that someone's importance lessens simply because they are no longer present, hurts the shit out of me. and it spirals me into insanity because it personally affects me. i may not be there in person, but i am aware of things going on and words that are being said. this doesn't even have to stop with me. as a matter of fact, it seems to be the biggest fucking problem down in anaheim. and that makes me want to almost want to quit and say, "fuck them. i'm here now." but i won't. i refuse to do so because you guys are a part of my life now, and i'm not going to throw you out. so respectfully, i'm praying you do the same for me.
as of right now, i feel betrayed. used. just because one aspect of your life is perfect, does not mean you should go and screw up every other aspect. because when that perfect world comes falling down, you won't have anything to land on. save for me. because i will always be here, even through betrayal. and if this post doesn't hit you like bricks, you truly have forgotten me.
name: mai sharona
birthday: december 5, 1984 (currently 20)
high school: canyon
college: uc davis
regiment: golden warrior
band-uh: up yooo!
email: water the flower
thought: listen and silent consist of the same letters.
